so, i am still on my "journey" to spiritual victory. this weekend, the devil really attacked. when i woke up this morning it was like i was battling those same feelings of anxiety, fear, and just mind battles from the devil. the biggest thing was that i was upset with myself for seeimingly having returned to those things that i want the victory in so bad. i want to be able to stay happy and free. i want to be able to cast off thoughts from the devil without thinking about it. to rejoice evermore. but it seems like, i keep letting situations get me down and out. and then EVERYTHING else comes back too. anyway, i fought it out. i had an extra long devotion before coming to church. i was just like i WANT to enjoy the services today. i WANT to arrive at church with a heart and mind of praise and joy.
once again, the message today really hit home. we just started our revival with p.lloyd and his message today was on "rending your hearts". taking my ugly, decietful heart that gets me off all the time, humbling myself and taking on the heart of God. i was talking to some of the sisters after church and it was like i took his message to mean, (ONCE AGAIN) letting go of all those things I THOUGHT were important to hang onto. all of my worries, all of my "justified" hurts, all of my anxieties, and replacing them with "how does God want me to feel about this?". and then making myself feel that way. that's the hard part. b/c right now it feels unnatural. to make yourself rejoice. b/c i know/we know exactly how God wants us to handle it. but that route sometimes isn't the easiest or most logical. that route goes against everything we humans think "make sense." but i have to. my victory is in that. i really feel like even if every morning i have to go through an hour devotion to renew my mind; one day it's going to come natural to me to just think that way. that's my victory. one week, i'll think like that all week. one month i'll think like that all month. THAT'S my victory. and it's not saying that that day, week, month, i wont have any problems, but God will have taught me how to handle them His way. how to rejoice in them His way. Cast my cares upon him, and leave them there. Really and truly know God in the way he wants me to: He takes care of my troubles I don't have too. He knows what is best, I can just rest completely in him.
it's amazing. the last few weeks/couple of months have been soul searching. initially it was because i wanted a natural blessing. but God has let me know that for right now my blessing/victory is all spiritual. through it all He's been teaching me step by step how to conquer this thing once and for all. i've tried so many times before, but when the next test came i'd realized i was still holding on to me. still not taking the attitude i needed. so far,God's shown me to 1) take no thought for my life, 2) seek him (through an intense devotion/alone time/fasting), 3) in seeking him, humble myself, and now 4) rend your heart in this area.
please pray for me. my hope is to be able to record what i'm going through so that i can look back and see the steps to victory. i just want this settled once and for all. one day the title will read..But, Rejoice..VICTORY.
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3 comments:
Reading what you are writing is almost like reading a "re-run" of my life when I first started the job I have. There's not time nor space to tell you all I went through. It was a time of emotional turmoil for me because of the things I faced daily (it seemed like). But God was faithful and He did give me victory. And I came out of it with a STRONG CONFIDENCE that God is there for me... BUT I had to earnestly seek Him daily for the help I needed to resist my feelings and handle things HIS way.
It was not an overnight victory. I had to mean business every time some new issue HIT me hard. But it is wonderful to look back and see what God has done for me.
I can assure you that you can come through this trial with victory.
I will pray for you. some of what you went/going through sounds like stuff I have to battle as well.
Hi Lisa,
I really dont think I've ever met you personally but I have stopped by saints blog pages and websites from time to time to get what I call "my daily doses of encouragement." I just wanted to let you know that although what you are going through is tough, you truly were an encouragement to me. Just know that as daughter of god, you are not only encouraging sisters around you but around the whole US. God Bless you!
~Malena from Long Beach, CA (specialm15@aol.com)
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